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29+ Queer & Lesbian Relationship Advice from Real Experts

We’ve asked 29+ queer and lesbian people, couples, and a throuple to share their best queer and lesbian relationship advice. Because who’s better in sharing advice than people with years of experience?! And obviously, every queer and wlw relationship is unique.

There are lessons to learn in each relationship, and it’s no secret that it’s not always sunshine and roses. But with the overwhelming amount of queer and lesbian ‘couple goals’ content across all social media, it might be easy to forget!

Are you ready to read about the best queer and lesbian relationship tips by real experts? Let’s dive in!

Queer and Lesbian Relationship Advice from Real Experts

First Lesbian Relationship Advice

If you’re in your first relationship with a woman or non-binary person, you can feel overwhelmed by it.

You might still be figuring out your identity, you might receive different feedback on your relationship than before, you might deal with a lot more (unasked) opinions from other people.

So, let’s dive into the best advice for brand new queer relationships!

  1. Take Your Time

It’s ok to not have it all figured out. Finding out who you are has no time limit or finish line. Take your time and don’t let anyone make you go faster than you’re willing to go. – Annie and Kiite Harvey (she/her)

Be open and enjoy yourself, it’s different but fantastic. – London Blackwood (she/they)

You are in the midst of discovering a new part of you, and that comes with awkward moments, learning lessons and growth! Be gentle with yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t pay attention to negative opinions others have. You are living your life for you. Their opinions will truly never matter. Love who you love and love yourself enough to trust the love you feel! – Tiara and Kayley (she/her)

It’s ok to learn as you go. Nobody is perfect. – Andrea and Cara (she/her)

You can’t rush love. Take your time and get to know the person. – Nedi Bailon (she/her)

Ariel and Dominique Newell The Word Queer
Dominique and Ariel (she/her), dating since November 2012. Follow them on @thewordqueer

  1. Be Gentle

Let go of what you think a queer or lesbian relationship should look like and figure out what works for you. We sometimes found ourselves trying to follow society/others expectations of what love should look like, instead of what made us happy. – Carissa and Eugene (she/her)

Be gentle! I got into my first queer relationship soon after coming out and getting kicked out of church and rejected by family and friends, and I realized how much heteronormative conditioning I had to unlearn. There is a beautiful, vibrant community that is ready to love you, embrace you, and celebrate you. – Jensine (she/her)

Being in your first queer/lesbian relationship can be scary, but you should always remind yourself that no one else’s opinions matter except yours and your partner’s. You are in this together, and the support from one another is ultimately all you need to keep your relationship grounded. – Jenny and Lauren (she/her)

The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think.

David Icke

It’s really exciting to be in a queer relationship for the first time. But it’s always important to learn to prioritize your needs. I let a very unhealthy relationship continue for years because I thought I’d never find another queer woman to date, and I was truly wrong about that! – Prarthana (she/her)

The reality of it is, the world isn’t always going to be kind to you because of the relationship you’re in. However, being with the person you love, is better than anything else. – C3 (they/them) and Maya Ariel (she/her)

  1. Let Go of the U-Haul Stereotype

I think the pressure to rush leaves no time for getting to truly know one another. If you can, slow down the moving in process, go on more dates, decide if you like each other enough to live together. – Khanyisa Mnyaka (she/her)

If this is your first queer/lesbian relationship, take it slow. Listen to your partner and also make conscious decisions about what you want. – Dominique Newell (she/her)

Go at your own pace. Sadly, certain things of a queer/lesbian relationship can be difficult to navigate in this society, such as public affection. Don’t feel guilty if you’re still working your way through all of this or don’t feel comfortable 100% of the time, just remember to never feel ashamed of who you are! – Sarah and Marlie (she/her)

Briyanna and Chantell Landry twogrlsoneworld
Briyanna and Chantell (she/her), dating since April 2015. Follow them on @twogrlsoneworld

Queer/lesbian relationships tend to move very fast. Do not be turned off by the speed of connection you may have. We were head over hills for each other within the first couple of months. In 2015, we moved in together after 6 months, and 6 years later, we got married!

Had we ran away from how quickly our relationship was moving, we would have missed out on our biggest blessings, each other. – Briyanna and Chantell Landry (she/her)

My best advice for people in their first queer/lesbian relationship is, don’t feel pressured to jump in head first right away! There are a lot of lesbian relationship stereotypes such as u-hauling (moving in together very quickly after you start dating), and while that works for some people, it’s not going to work for everyone.

I moved in with my first girlfriend after dating for 6 months because of this stereotype, and while it was fun at first, I eventually realized that this was not the relationship for me, but I felt very trapped and unable to separate myself because we lived together and had started a life together.

Be sure to listen to yourself and pay attention to your own wants and needs, separate from the desire to jump in head first, especially in your very first queer relationship. – Zoe Stoller (she/they)

Are you looking for a partner? Read our article with the best lesbian dating apps!

  1. Really Get to Know Each Other

Focus on your own relationship and don’t compare yourselves with other relationships. Be open, create trust, and listen to each other. – Tasha and Aimee (she/her)

My best advice for people in their first queer/lesbian relationship would be to learn your partner’s love language, this is key to building a healthy relationship. – Reese (she/her)

Talk and truly listen to each other. Have other queer/lesbian couple friends to talk with and get advice from. Get together and make memories with other couples. – Yasmin and Melanie (she/her)

For people in their first queer/lesbian relationship, the best advice we can give is for them to get to know each other properly, form a friendship as well as intimacy. Learning each other’s love language will also help with building a great foundation to their relationship. – Aisha and Lexie (she/her)

It may not last, and that’s often because no one is invested in queer/lesbian love. When you grow stronger as a queer person, your relationship will grow stronger too. – Shruti and Pooja (she/her)

Alexia Lenoir The Queer Nomads Lesbian Relationship Advice
Alexia and Aisha (she/her), dating since August 2017. Follow them on @thequeernomads

Best Lesbian Relationship Advice

What are the best tips for queer and lesbian couples? Some of these tips might not surprise you – they are great tips for any relationship!

But since queer couples aren’t normalized yet, there are some specific LGBTQ relationship tips we’d like to share with you!

  1. Communication

It’s important to make sure that your partner isn’t guessing what you’re feeling. This goes against all the romantic movies, where partners instinctively know what the other needs. Making sure you’re transparent and communicative helps with managing expectations and knowing how to show up for each other. – Khanyisa Mnyaka (she/her)

Khanyisa Mnyaka lifecoachkhanyi
Khanyisa Mnyaka (she/her), dating since July 2018. Follow her on @lifecoachkhanyi

Communication is absolute key! The success of a relationship often depends on communicating. Especially in difficult or uncomfortable times, you need a solid foundation for a successful relationship. In the most uncomfortable or darkest moments, you have to communicate how you feel, what you want, what’s bothering you and/or how someone can support you better. – Tiara and Kayley (she/her)

Your partner is not a mind reader. You have to give them the chance to understand you by communicating with them. Communication is key to weathering those moments together. Remember, you listen to understand, you shouldn’t listen to speak. – Jenny and Lauren (she/her)

Don’t just communicate in the good times, communicate with each other in the bad times too. If you both learn to communicate and listen to your own, and each other’s feelings and needs, you probably reach the highest relationship-level! – Roxanne and Maartje (she/her)

Annie and Kiite Harvey HarveyEverAfter
Annie and Kiite (she/her), dating since April 2015. Follow them on @harveyeverafter

  1. Honesty

Try to have regular relationship status updates with your partner(s). These are designated times when you can discuss your feelings about the relationship, things that are going well, and things that may be need to be changed.

In doing this, it allows you to have a scheduled time to talk about things, and to designate other times to enjoying being together, creating memories, and working towards resolving any issues between you. – Kelz (she/her)

Be honest! Honesty, as much as we like to romanticise the word, is actually going to cement the relationship even further as it’s a very key element to a successful partnership. It’s not always easy, but by being honest we also show vulnerability and for us, probably one of the best trait about someone. If you’re not scared to be vulnerable with your partner, you will really see the benefits of that throughout time. – Lexie and Aisha (she/her)

If your partner makes you feel safe, let your walls down with them. Vulnerability is a gateway to a deeper and more intimate connection. – Jensine and Abriana (she/her)

Sarah and Marlie cloud_walks
Sarah and Marlie (she/her), dating since April 2016. Follow them on @cloud_walks

  1. Let Go of Labels and Norms

It’s easy sometimes to fall into gender roles because straight relationships are mostly what we get to see. But making the queer/lesbian relationship your own and being who you really want to be in it is the best way forward! – Prarthana (she/her)

Don’t worry too much about labels. Our queer identities can change with time, as well as the kind of relationships that go with them. Always be open with your feelings within a relationship. – Marlie and Sarah (she/her)

  1. Never Stop Dating

Make your partnership a priority by setting aside time to go on (uninterrupted) lesbian dates with your partner(s) to show one another you care, while continuing to make memories and build upon the foundation of your relationship. This often times remind you why you fell in love with one another! – Tiara and Kayley (she/her)

Over time, both partners can become very comfortable in their relationship. Continuing to date each other will keep that spark and spontaneity. – Briyanna and Chantell Landry (she/her)

Be playful together and keep the relationship spicy and interesting. – Yasmin and Melanie (she/her) 

Eden Jay edenxjay
Eden and Jay (she/her), dating since July 2019. Follow them on @edenxjay

Put in as much effort as you did in the beginning, if not more. When you see love like currency, then you put in more effort to receive more love. When you put in less effort, don’t be surprised when you receive less love. It’s that simple. – Eden and Jay (she/her)

For us, having fun together is the single most important thing. At the early stage of our relationship, we got a bit too serious too soon, and it almost caused a breakup. By taking it day-by-day and taking the time to have fun together, we built something really special. – Roxanne and Maartje (she/her)

What’s a better date night than a romantic movie night? Pick one of our favorite lesbian movies to make it extra fun!

  1. Set Goals and Grow Together

It is inevitable that people change. Change together. Learn how to grow and love each other in new ways as that change occurs. – C3 (they/them) and Maya Ariel (she/her)

Being a good partner means communicating your wants and needs. Life changes, so does our desires and goals. – Tasha and Aimee (she/her)

Accept each other for who you are – don’t try to change your partner. – Sue and Lee (she/her)

Stay true to who you are at the core of you. – Nedi Bailon (she/her)

Have a common goal for the love that you want with each other. Pooja and I want a love relationship that’s passionate, poetic, sensible and healing. So we work towards it every day. – Shruti and Pooja (she/her)

Shruti and Pooja pawlyamorous vnpooja
Shruti and Pooja (she/her), dating since October 2017. Follow them on @pawlyamorous and @vnpooja

How to Be a Good Partner to Your Partner

How to be a good girlfriend to your girlfriend or partner to your partner? This might be one of the best questions to ask!

The quote ‘happy wife, happy life’ is true: people are happier in relationships if they’re happy as individuals.

Yasmin and Melanie DrStylzz
Yasmin and Melanie (she/her), dating since January 2015. Follow them on @drstylzz

  1. Knowing Your Partner and What They Need

Remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader. Communicate and stay patient! – Annie and Kiite Harvey (she/her)

Listen to what your partner is saying. Ask, “how can I help you with that?” Be supportive and always put them first. – Andrea and Cara (she/her)

Try to understand and communicate your love language to ensure that your partner understands how you prefer to receive love, and you understand how they like to receive love. Learning how your partner wants to be loved can truly break a barrier you may have in your relationship and open up lines of communication. – Tiara and Kayley (she/her)

Tiara and Kayley Raw Vegan Romance interracial lesbian relationship advice
Tiara and Kayley (she/her), dating since January 2021. Follow them on @rawveganromance

Work on understanding all of your partner’s social cues, whether the cue is verbal or non/verbal. This would come with not only listening to your partner’s words, but studying their body language, paying attention to their tone or facial expressions, or even eye contact.

Learning these things will help you to understand your partner in multiple ways, and to be patient while you do so. Patience and understanding are both good qualities to have, as a partner. – Kelz (she/her)

Being a good partner to your partner begins with listening, learning, and an openness to change. People are constantly evolving. Relationships work best when both partners are allowed room for their personal evolutions. Having the support of your partner throughout that journey is what makes it all the better! – Dominique Newell (she/her)

Tasha Hao Tasha and Aimee
Tasha and Aimee (she/her), dating since October 2011. Follow them on

Listen! The most important part of communication is listening. Listen without thinking about what your response will be. Be honest about your capacity to show up. But most importantly, be good to YOURSELF! When you show up lovingly towards yourself, you can show up loving towards others as well. – Khanyisa Mnyaka (she/her)

  1. Treat Your Partner Well

Listen to what your partner need and wants. Do they have an off day? Surprise them with extra cuddles, bring them coffee in bed, write them a sweet note, get them something they like. Surprising each other is in general a good idea! – Roxanne (she/her)

Listen and doing little things that you know will make your partner smile. – London Blackwood (they/them)

Help them reach their dreams whenever possible – offer unconditional love and support. – Sue and Lee (she/her)

Kelsy and Jessica JustKandJ
Kelsy and Jessica (she/her), dating since October 2019. Follow them on @justkandj

Unexpected acts of service really work for us. We’re both very busy people so when we get home and the other has cooked dinner for example, Or cleaned the house, or bought flowers, it makes us feel like our partner really cares about our needs. – Lexie and Aisha (she/her)

Always treat them like you did from the beginning when it was all butterflies, anticipation, and excitement. Show them that they are special, no matter how long you’ve been together. – C3 (they/them) and Maya Ariel (she/her)

Show up for them. Stand up for them. Learn their love language and how they like to be loved or romanced. Life can get crazy, and as we get older and settled into married life, it was important for us to never forget to surprise each other and romance each other like we did when we were first dating. – Carissa and Eugene (she/her)

  1. Take Care of Yourself

Love yourself first. Because you can’t love anybody till you love yourself – Jay Toole (she/him) and Linda Battaglia (she/her)

Jay Toole and Linda Battaglia
Jay Toole (she/him) and Linda Battaglia (she/her), met in 1965 and reconnected after 55 years.

Be good to yourself first. Honoring your individuality and taking care of and nurturing you, and then you will bring that to your union as well. – Jensine (she/her)

Love yourself first, before you can fully love someone else! Of course, you can do this together, but it’s essential that you fully support each other and give each other time and space when needed. – Roxanne (she/her)

The most important person in any relationship is YOU! My clients struggle with this concept because we are raised to believe the opposite. Cultivating a deep sense of self and individuality in a relationship is essential. – Khanyisa Mnyaka (she/her)

Ultimately, you have to be happy with yourself before you can even attempt to make someone happy. Focus on yourself, mental health, wellness and personal goals. The universe always delivers when you least expect it. Work on your own insecurities and traumas. It’s no one’s responsibility to take care of you and what weight you carry. – Nedi Bailon (she/her)

It takes work, time and patience to learn how to love your partner the right way, it doesn’t just happen overnight. You teach your partner how to love you. It can be very different for each of you, and what makes you happy may not be what works for your partner(s).

You can start by learning to love yourself first, because when you feel happy, you make people around you feel happy. And allow your partner to do the same. – Alexa and Maria (she/her)

Alexa and Maria Alexa_and_maria_ Lesbian Relationship Advice
Alexa and Maria (she/her), dating since November 2019. Follow them on @alexa_and_maria_

Know your value and what you have to offer. Never settle for anything less than what you deserve. Don’t be afraid to say what you need in a relationship. Acknowledge and share your triggers. It will help your partner understand you and part of your past journey. – Yasmin and Melanie (she/her) 

  1. Take Care of Your Queer/Lesbian Relationship

It’s okay to go to therapy! Sometimes, our unresolved traumas can affect us so much that it can also affect our relationships. It is such a beautiful act of self-love to seek therapy and heal. If your partner makes you feel safe, they will be your ally in the healing journey. And your relationship will evolve and continue to grow and blossom. – Jensine and Abriana (she/her)

Jensine and Abriana jenandabi jenandabii
Jensine and Abriana (she/her), dating since August 2014. Follow them on @jenandabi

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes with every situation that arises. Listen, encourage, teach and learn from each other. – Yasmin and Melanie (she/her) 

There are a lot of different aspects that go into being a good partner. Remember, they are human too. Sometimes it’s the little things that can always turn a day around. Have patience with one another, you are a team.

Our biggest way we connect is by always trying to make the other person laugh every day. Inside jokes, funny dances, or even something funny we saw, strengthens our bond because they are shared moments just between us. – Jenny and Lauren (she/her)

Lauren Perry Jenny and Lauren Jenn.and.Lo
Jenny and Lauren (she/her), dating since July 2019. Follow them on @jenn.and.lo

Communication is always so important in any relationship. It helps to not only communicate any thoughts or feelings you’re having with your significant other, but also to consider them before making decisions, too. – Marlie and Sarah (she/her)

  1. Be There and Do Things

It’s best to always communicate, even if you feel like it’s stupid or unnecessary. It allows your partner to communicate too, and it’s the only way a healthy connection can be established.

Never take your relationship for granted. Surprising your partner(s) with little dates and gifts and letters on any day (not just on important occasions) is a wonderful way to keep the love strong. – Prarthana (she/her)

Roxanne and Maartje onceuponajourney lesbian relationship advice
Roxanne and Maartje (she/her), dating since August 2014. Follow us on @onceuponajourney

Kels and I try to plan date nights at least one a month, if not more. There is nothing like continuing to try something new, going to your favorite place together, or even staying in and simply being present with your life partner.

I still randomly bring Kels home flowers because I love surprising her and seeing her face light up. Never stop doing the things that made your partner fall in love with you. – Kelsy and Jessica (she/her)

Tips From Failed Relationships

Breaking up is never fun, but failed lesbian relationships and other former queer relationships do teach us a lot.

Learn from people’s mistakes and read these tips from queer and lesbian relationships that didn’t last.

  1. A Queer/Lesbian Relationship is Work

The only reason my current relationship is as happy as it is, is due to my past failed relationships. They thought me a lot of the ways a relationship could be unhealthy. But the most important thing I learnt was putting someone else’s needs above my own (which as queer people comes easy to us sometimes) was setting my relationships up for failure.

I had to learn to grow that confidence within myself so that I could voice my opinions and needs and not just accept what the other person told me. It’s a journey I still am on, and I know the only way my relationship can succeed is by being my authentic self and voicing my needs. – Prarthana (she/her)

Nedi Bailon _nedi
Nedi Bailon (she/her), follow her on @_nedi

You can’t change yourself to make someone else happy. Both parties must be self fulfilled, and happy before you can try to build anything together. Depending on another human being to fill voids that are not their responsibility, is a failed partnership. – Nedi Bailon (she/her)

Relationships really do take work and intentionality. You are forming a union with a unique soul, and you will both be constantly evolving as you move through life. You get to wake up every day, look at your partner, and choose them and choose to continue loving them unconditionally as they move through life.

It’s loving each other at new versions, and holding each other up when one of you is down. Relationships are like a flower, you’ve got to water them, give them sun, and give them love. There will be stormy seasons, but the flower will remain. – Jensine and Abriana (she/her)

London Blackwood Chubby Femme queer relationship advice
London Blackwood (they/them), dating since August 2018. Follow them on @chubbyfemme

  1. Never Settle

What we both learned from a failed relationship is that when love is not reciprocated, you deserve better. Both partners have to work at the relationship for it to work. – Tasha and Aimee (she/her)

Both of us learned how much we were settling in past relationships. We were settling for whatever love we could find instead of waiting for the type of love we wanted and deserved! – Carissa and Eugene (she/her)

We learned that being in love isn’t the only thing that makes a strong relationship. Sharing honesty, selflessness, and dedication also makes a strong relationship. If we didn’t receive that from the other person, it was time to move on. We eventually found one another and the good character we were each looking for. – C3 (they/them) and Maya Ariel (she/her)

If it’s wrong, you can’t make it right. – Jay Toole (she/her) and Linda Battaglia (she/him)

Jess and Cara Jackson iamjesshuman copperhousedet
Jess (she/they) and Cara (she/her), dating since 2011. Follow Jess on @iamjesshuman

  1. Recognize Red Flags in Queer/Lesbian Relationships

That I deserved more. Don’t settle if you’re not happy and your partner(s) are not willing to try and change that. I (Sarah) have had some pretty unhealthy past relationships, but I’m so happy I broke away from that pattern, and I’m now with Marlie, who changed my whole perspective on love! – Yasmin (she/her) 

In my failed relationship, I never felt like I was enough. It wasn’t until I met Kels that I finally found my worth. She helped me see that I was enough and that my past relationship shouldn’t define me. – Jessica (she/her)

Molly Downs-Stoller, Sue Stoller (Molly and Sue) lgbtqchristiantherapist lesbiantherapist
Molly and Sue (she/her), dating since December 2015. Follow Molly on @lesbiantherapist

What I learned from a failed relationship is: don’t stay with someone because you don’t want to hurt their feelings by leaving. Also, don’t go into relationships thinking you are going to change the other person. – Molly and Sue (she/her)

When red flags continue to appear and your partner refuses to own their actions, it should end. – Sue and Lee (she/her)

Queer and Lesbian Relationship Problems and Solutions

You might wonder what the most common queer and lesbian relationship issues are and why lesbian relationships don’t last (note: that’s a stereotype!).

We categorized the most common problems, and ways to prevent or solve them!

Lesbian Relationships Move Fast

One of the biggest problems is moving too quickly, before getting to know your partner. When a red flag pops up – communicate your concerns before jumping to conclusions. – Sue and Lee (she/her)

A big mistake is not getting to truly know each other before getting deep into the relationship. And mistaking lust for love. – Yasmin and Melanie (she/her) 

Zoe Stoller
Zoe Stoller (she/they), dating since March 2021. Follow them on @zoestoller

It’s important to have your own things and your own friends, so you can spend some time apart. We have a lot of friends in common but also have our own best friends, so we can go out with them separately. – Lexie and Aisha (she/her)

Okay, yes, we are those U-Haul queers too. But that was more a coincidence (read about it in our lesbian love story). Why the rush, if you still have a whole life together in front of you? Get to know each other better, go on dates, and find out if this can be a good relationship for you! – Roxanne and Maartje (she/her)

When in that courtship phase, we want to put our best foot forward, but that sets the relationship up for failure if we lack of clear communication from the beginning. Just because you’re in love doesn’t mean you have the same worldviews, be mature enough to have difference of opinion.

In addition, intimacy can be complicated for queer couples because of the lack or non-existence of education of queer intimacy. Be willing to have conversations about intimacy without judgement. – Khanyisa Mnyaka (she/her)

False Start

Don’t bring your past into your present. This is one of the biggest mistakes we’ve seen first hand. Although it can be easy to make this mistake, try and be conscious and understand that your previous baggage isn’t the same in your current relationship. – Eden and Jay (she/her)

My mistake was holding on to a lot of past experiences and not trusting my partners to be able to handle “the real me” it takes time, but opening up to your partner and letting them see all the sides of you helps strengthen your connection. – London Blackwood (they/them)

Cecilia C3 and Maya Ariel The Ariel Series
C3 (they/them) and Maya (she/her), dating since March 2017. Follow them on @thearielseries

We focus to hard on the potential of someone and hold them to that standard, when that person may very well not ever become that person you envision. Then we get upset that they are not who you thought they could be.

Date people who are already at the level you want them to be in the aspects of life that are important to you. It’s not your job or project to “fix” someone. Set your boundaries from the beginning.

Too often, we fail to say anything bothers or triggers us till it’s too late, making us look inconsistent. Boundaries give a clear and stern direction of things you will allow and not allow. – Nedi Bailon (she/her)

Lesbians make the mistake of assuming a person or a relationship will always stay the same. Had our relationship not come with the everlasting hurdle of an Atlantic Ocean and visa red tape, we’re sure we would’ve fallen into the same line of thinking.

Jess Magnan koalatygay
Jess Magnan (they/them) and Jasmin Proctor (she/her), dating since January 2015. Follow them on @koalatygay

But over the past 7 years, we’ve both gone through so much growth and change, and in turn, so has the relationship. Our relationship might not have lasted had we not been forced to be physically apart to do some growing on our own.

Be open to the likelihood that a lesbian relationship will go through changes. And both partners have to be willing to talk about that, their expectations, how they are willing to adapt and shift for one another, and what each other’s boundaries are. They are awkward and difficult conversations, but they are always productive and strengthening. – Jess Magnan (they/them) and Jasmin Proctor (she/her)

Read Jess’ best tips for long-distance relationships, based on their personal 7-year long-distance lesbian relationship with Jasmin

Stress from Society

I think this could be different for everyone, but I would say one that impacted us was letting family have too much influence on our lives and relationships. Once we let go of pleasing our families, we were able to really but 100 effort into our own relationship. – Carissa and Eugene (she/her)

It’s common to turn against each other or blame each other when things get tough. But we must remember that very often, our relationship stressors arise from the negative attitude of others and society. Let’s therefore stand by each other and stand up against those who are trying to keep us apart. Let’s fight together and not fight with each other. – Shruti and Pooja (she/her)

Carissa and Eugene Leztravel Together
Carissa and Eugene (she/her), dating since January 2016. Follow them on @leztraveltogether

Heteronormativity in general

With homophobia, internal and external, there’s an added layer of guilt, difficulty and obstacles to be dealt with. It can make a relationship quite hard to deal with. Understanding is the solution.

My partner keeps telling me this: “We’re not opposite teams, we’re on the same teams.” We deal with problems together, and we don’t pin them on each other. Our relationship is not the issue, we’re okay. More than okay. – Prarthana (she/her)

Following heteronormative patterns and expectations. Define your relationship from what it means to you, and follow that wholeheartedly. – Annie and Kiite Harvey (she/her)

Thinking that you need to stick to any kind of relationship stereotypes. Masculine/feminine roles etc. There are many ways that relationships can look/work, so people shouldn’t get too wrapped up in societal expectations and do what makes them happy. – Marlie and Sarah (she/her)

Unhealthy Lesbian Relationship Signs

Sometimes, there are too many red flags in a relationship. Sometimes it can be hard to realize these signs of an unhealthy queer relationship.

An unhealthy relationship can only work out if all people in the relationship are willing to make it work, and get professional help. Twelve of the most common red flags are:

  • Love Bဝmbing
  • Controlling behavior
  • Viဝlent behavior
  • Codependency
  • Jealousy
  • Lying / dishonesty
  • Gaslighting
  • Disrespect
  • Excessive criticism
  • Manipulation
  • Invalidation
  • Isဝlation

Controlling behavior

I’ve been in a bunch of unhealthy relationships, unfortunately, because I wasn’t very good at identifying red flags and then taking action to work against those.

Now, I can identify a LOT of red flags that I saw in my former partners, such as:

  • My partner not wanting me to hang out with my friends, so I could spend more time with them,
  • my partner not being understanding of my mental health struggles and my need to prioritize my own self-care and well-being,
  • and my partner commenting on what I spend my own money on and trying to influence my spending decisions.

Of course, red flags will look different for each person – everyone has their own limits of what does and doesn’t feel right to them in a relationship.

But the key here is to listen to and trust your gut – if something feels like a red flag, or it doesn’t quite sit well with you, then it probably is an issue. And you deserve to be with someone who only shows you green flags! – Zoe Stoller (she/they)

Dez, Reese and Kelz thelesbianthrouple
Dez, Reese and Kelz (she/her), dating since July 2020. Follow them on @thelesbianthrouple


We have seen quite a bit of very unhealthy levels of jealousy. It’s completely normal to feel jealous, but to keep others from attending events, wearing certain outfits, etc. isn’t the way to fix the insecurities that jealousy is rooted in.

Lastly, it’s definitely a red flag if the person you are dating won’t stop talking about their ex. It’s definitely a sign that they may not be over them or may not be ready for another relationship. – Tiara and Kayley (she/her)


It can be easy to act solely as a couple, but you have to remember that you are also an individual. It is healthy to have your own hobbies, friends, goals and passions.

The presence of individual traits and desires doesn’t take away from the development of a relationship, but rather, helps each party to grow and show up for one another in the most authentic, mature way. – Tiara and Kayley (she/her)

Andrea and Cara Gerow wheelationshipgoals
Andrea and Cara (she/her), dating since January 2015. Follow them on @wheelationshipgoals


Lying (untruthfulness) is a big dealbreaker. We sometimes have to have uncomfortable conversations, but honestly is so important. If there is a foundation of trust, we can work through most other things together. – Carissa and Eugene (she/her)

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, here’s some advice from Nedi: respect yourself enough to walk away from any situation that no longer serves you. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, and that’s okay.

Healthy Lesbian Relationship Signs

So now we know about the unhealthy signs, but what are healthy and happy relationship signs?!

  • Trust
  • Laughter
  • Unconditional Support
  • Compassion and empathy
  • Compromising
  • Self awareness
  • Independence
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Active listening
  • Shared values
  • Mutual respect
  • Physical and mental intimacy 
  • Honest and open communication
  • Boundaries
  • Affirmations
  • Unbiased feedback

Even when your partner may not agree with you, they can listen and hear your perspective. At the core, you and your partner connect across your values. When differences arise, remembering your values will help keep grounded on your foundation.

Being able to be vulnerable and open about what you share with one another. Your partner should shower you with love and affection in the ways that you want. Use the 5 love languages to identify the ways to receive and show love!

Your partner should be able to share their honest perspective without attachment to feelings. You should feel comfortable enough to know that the feedback is meant to make you grow and not coming from a harmful, manipulative place. – Jess (she/they) and Cara Jackson (she/her)

420OldFatLesbians Sue and Lee Lesbian Relationship Advice
Sue and Lee (she/her), dating since July 2007. Follow them on @420oldfatlesbians


Communicate your needs, elevate each other, and live the life you want for yourself. A sign of a healthy relationship is the sign of accepting each other and encouraging their partner’s goals and vision no matter how small and big it is. – Tasha and Aimee (she/her)

Comfort and Safe Space

In my opinion, green flags in a relationship are honesty, good communication and trust. Your relationship should be a place of comfort, and not having those things can definitely impact the relationship in an unhealthy way. – Dez (she/her)

Prarthana Short Haired Brown Queer desi lesbian relationship advice
Prarthana (she/her), dating since June 2021. Follow her on @shorthairedbrownqueer

Understanding each other’s past love lives/ attractions and allowing the relationship to be a safe space to talk about it. Allowing your real moods and needs to express themselves and not feeling stifled in the relationship. – Prarthana (she/her)

Being able to truly be yourself around your partner, but also being able to challenge each other in order to grow together. – Marlie and Sarah (she/her)


Be sure to have your own lives! Alone time is important. You need to have separate interests and friends to make time to miss each other! – Andrea and Cara (she/her)

Best Queer and Lesbian Relationship Quotes

People who think they know what they want are just fooling themselves. Nobody really knows what or who they want. Not until it’s right in front of them.

Marianna Paige

I love this quote because I used to wonder about whether love could really as quick and all encompassing and wrapped up on in sureness as I has heard some stories and experiences to be. But after experiencing it myself, I’ve realised that love is truly something that if you’re not sure of, it’s not it. When you’re sure, you know. – Prarthana (she/her)

Happily ever after is not a fairy tale, it’s a choice!

Fawn Weaver

Happiness is a personal choice and is not contingent upon our circumstances. Having this mindset doesn’t mean that we should turn a blind eye to the struggles in our relationship; it means that we should do everything in our power NOT to allow those struggles to destroy our lifetime of happiness together. It’s up to YOU and nobody else. – Yasmin and Melanie (she/her) 

Assumptions at the termites of relationships

Henry Winkler

Simply put, communication is key to any relationship or friendship. Don’t assume people know your traumas, triggers and your own expectations. The person failed before they even started when you assume. Give your person a chance at your heart by speaking openly and respectfully. – Nedi Bailon (she/her)

Take them to the world.

Maya Ariel

This quote is one that comes from Maya. The day we met, she said boldly, “If you weren’t taken, I’d take you to the world.” Nearly a year later, that’s exactly what she did. Take your loved one to the place (not necessarily a physical place) where they feel most special and loved. – C3 (they/them)

Find a lover who loves the moon, for they’ll know how to love you when you’re not so full


It’s a great reminder to love my partner through all the phases. To love her at her worst no differently than I love her at her best. And to have comfort in knowing I receive that same level of love right back. – Annie and Kiite Harvey (she/her)

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

Vivian Greene

No matter what you’re going through in life – take a moment to smell the roses. Don’t let fear control you – face each day with your heads held high. – Sue and Lee (she/her)

Love is not possession

I love this because so often we tend to want to own our partner (s), our relationships would be more fulfilling if we allowed room for individual expression and experiences. – Khanyisa Mnyaka (she/her)

If I’m a better me, we’re a better we

These are the best queer & lesbian quotes to inspire you(r lover)

We actually came up with this one ourselves, LOL! While we believe that we have a beautiful union, oftentimes it’s easy to lose yourself in a queer or lesbian relationship. So it’s important to always keep loving on ourselves too! Giving ourselves self-love, enjoying our hobbies, and spending quality time alone so that when we come together, it’s even more sweet! – Jensine and Abriana (she/her)

I can’t promise to fix all of your problems, but I can promise you won’t have to face them all alone

Who wears the pants in our lesbian relationship? We prefer it when neither of us are wearing pants.

Wanda Sykes

We hope you enjoyed reading this queer and lesbian relationship advice! Do you have more to add? Share it in the comments! We would love to read it.

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Lesbian Relationship Advice by Experts
Once Upon a Journey