It’s time to share my (Roxanne) lesbian coming out story with you! Everyone’s story is a different one and that’s what makes it so special.
I believe through sharing each other’s coming out stories we can learn from each other and help each other. Coming out of the closet is rarely easy, no matter where you are from.
We sadly still live in a world where being straight is the norm. I know, I’m fortunate and privileged to come from one of the most welcoming countries in the world, the Netherlands.
But I also struggled finding myself and coming out.
When I was 16 years old I started to go out. Back then, in the Netherlands you could drink from the age of 16 and go to bars and most clubs. Later, they changed that age to 18 years old.
Together with my girlfriends we went to bars and clubs and started to hang out with guys! As it’s the ‘normal’ thing to do, I also kissed guys. But whenever they wanted more or wanted something more serious I wasn’t really interested (or I thought, ready for it).
Yes more things have happened, but it never felt 100% right.
I’m not a super open person myself, so I never talked about feelings, relationships and emotions with anyone. Still, many years later I don’t start conversations about those kinds of topics myself.
Nevertheless, I do want to talk about it. So I love having people around me that are very open. Looking back, that was something that maybe missed during my teenage years, I didn’t talk about these topics with anyone.
After finishing high school and a half a year of travel to Asia, New Zealand, and Australia I went to study in Amsterdam!
That changed many things for me, as I moved from a small village in the middle of the Netherlands, to the gay capital of Europe (Amsterdam lost that title sadly, but it’s still an amazing city for the LGBTQ+ community).
And that’s where I met someone really special: Maartje!
We were both working at the cinema as a job on the side while studying when we met. We became best friends and when to many parties together. Thanks to her I joined a student association called Particolarte, which opened a whole new world for me.
It’s a student association that focuses on art and culture, therefore a lot of members were creative and open-minded students. And surprise, many members of the association were queer! The association felt like home and a place where you could do everything you wanted and tell everybody anything.
First Lesbian Love
Suddenly I kissed my best friend Maartje; apparently I liked her more than just friends. When I had a little too much to drink, it showed. Never before had I really thought about dating girls, especially not dating my best friend. Our lesbian love story began!
Luckily I never thought about it, otherwise I would have thought about the consequences that that kiss could bring along. Because what would happen if it didn’t come from both sides?
Looking back, there were lots of puzzle pieces that now fit the puzzle. I had special feelings for some women I met; a crush on a female teacher or that one girl I met while traveling around the world. Or those lesbian movies I secretly ordered online.
I only never knew it was a crush, or maybe I just did not want to know? And since I never knew, how could my family know?
Things moved quickly after that kiss, as we were typically U-Haul lesbians. At the same time of our first kiss, Maartje moved into my student house. Yes, we were living together and started our relationship at the same time, that wasn’t easy.
It was time to tell my family about our relationship when I was together with Maartje for a couple of weeks. Of course, I was not totally ready yet to tell everyone, as I was a bit scared. For some family members my lesbian coming out was as big a surprise as it was for me.
Must read: 10 lesbian couples share their true lesbian stories!
My Coming Out Story
On a hot summer festival day it felt like the right moment to tell my stepbrother. He is one of the most open-minded and sweetest people I know and I decided that was a good first person to tell.
I took my chance when he needed a pee-break. Kinda creepy: I followed him to the portable toilets and started off with “I need to tell you something…”.
And in the silence that followed his always-happy face turned into a concerned one. He wondered if I was pregnant or had broken the law.
When I told him I was in love with a girl he laughed and hugged me because he was so happy for me (or happy because I was not pregnant or a criminal). I specifically asked him not to tell anyone yet, but of course, he told his girlfriend as soon as they saw each other.
Later that month, I told my other stepbrother. We were on vacation together with his girlfriend, his mom and my dad. And despite my dad and stepmom being the most warm and kind people, I wasn’t ready to tell them yet.
Lesbian Coming Out
Time passed by and Maartje already told her entire family. I didn’t. So Maartje pushed me into tell more people, and I needed that push.
My stepmom already knew there was something going on between Maartje and me; she had asked my stepbrothers a couple of times about it. But my stepbrothers knew I had to tell her myself. When they were having dinner at my stepbrother’s place, Maartje and I showed up as a surprise and told her.
Or well, it was not that easy. But when we told her and my dad, my stepmom cried (out of happiness, yes) and hugged us saying it doesn’t matter whom we are with, as long as we are happy.
Telling my mum, sister and friends was a lot harder. My mom and sister did not see it coming at all and my mom even said: “well, at least it’s better than seeing two guys kissing”. Thanks mom, that is really encouraging.
Luckily my sister was more encouraging and after a while my mum got used to the idea. She is now totally fine with it. She eventually told the rest of the family, and I was glad I did not have to tell everyone myself.
Coming Out to Friends
Maartje and I have a great group of friends – consisting of crazy and like-minded people – around us who are totally supportive of our relationship. Coming out to them was not as hard, but more so funny. Again it was a big surprise to most of them.
A week before telling a specific friend, we held a movie marathon in our house. This friend suddenly asked me: Roxanne, are you in love? My face turning red right away I had to answer, “yes, I am”.
At a theme party a week later I told him “so, the person whom I love is here as well” and he started pointing around, “is it him, or him, or him?” His face was worth millions when I pointed at Maartje and said, “I’m in love with her.”
Coming out to my friends from my teenage years was a bit more difficult. Perhaps as we never really talked about emotions, feelings and relationships before.
Yes, they knew there was something going on as I was acting different and more distanced than before. I was super relieved when I told them, but I also somehow was sad I hadn’t told them earlier. That I wasn’t comfortable enough telling them first.
Something I wish I had done different and what’s my biggest tip for people that are in the process of finding themselves and coming out: surround yourself with like-minded people and people you trust.
It will make things a lot easier. Also, if someone, for example a family member, doesn’t take your coming out well, you have your chosen family to fall back on. If you don’t have those people close to you, try finding online communities.
Thank you for reading my lesbian coming out story!
Please remember that coming out is different for everybody. Make sure to come out whenever you are ready and come out your own terms. I needed that extra push, but that doesn’t mean you need that too.
Hopefully one day there will be no more closet to come out of. And we will all be loved and accepted the way we are.
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